The graph and chart below give information about migration to the UK. The graph shows how long immigrants in the years 2000-2008 intended to stay in the UK, and the pie chart shows reasons for migration in 2008.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task, effectively summarizing the information from the graph and pie chart. Key strengths include a logical structure and a clear overview of the data presented. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, particularly in subject-verb agreement and verb forms, as well as enhancing lexical resource by avoiding repetition and awkward phrasing. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving clarity in data representation, and ensuring proper transitions between paragraphs. For further improvement, the writer could incorporate a wider range of vocabulary and more complex sentence structures to enhance the overall quality of the writing. The tone used is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal and informative style.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay is generally well-organized, with a clear progression of ideas. However, some sentences could be better linked for improved flow. For example, the transition between discussing the graph and the pie chart could be smoother. Using more cohesive devices, such as 'Furthermore' or 'In addition,' would enhance the overall coherence. To improve, focus on using a wider variety of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more effectively.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
There are several grammatical errors throughout the essay, including subject-verb agreement issues ('the graph show' should be 'the graph shows') and incorrect verb forms ('migrationed' should be 'migrated'). Additionally, sentence structures are somewhat limited, which affects the overall grammatical range. To improve, focus on using a variety of sentence structures and ensure grammatical accuracy in verb forms and agreements.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition and awkward phrasing, such as 'the reason why people migrationed.' The use of 'immigrant' should be 'immigrants,' and 'migrationed' is incorrect; the correct term is 'migrated.' To improve, aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and ensure accuracy in word forms. Incorporating synonyms and more sophisticated expressions would enhance the lexical resource score.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The response addresses the task by summarizing the information from the graph and pie chart. However, there are inaccuracies in the data presented, such as 'the smallest categories is stay for less than 12 months and longer than 4 years,' which should be clarified. Additionally, the conclusion could be more precise in summarizing the key points. To improve, ensure that all data is accurately represented and that the conclusion succinctly reflects the main findings.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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