The graph below compares the percentages of people who travelled to work by public transport and private cars in five Australian cities between the years 2000 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

Part 1 (Academic)
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

The graph shows five cities in Australia with data for the percentage of people useing public transportation and private cars in five cities in Australia in the years 2000 and 2010 to gocommute to work. Overall, in all of the cities, the percentage of private cars increased over the period, while the publick transport either decreased or stayremained the same. In Sydney and Melbourne, about 20% of people used publick transportation in both 2000 and 2010 with not much, showing little change. The use of private car use went up a little bits rose slightly from around 65% to 70% in thoese cities. Brisbane saw a biggerexperienced a more significant drop in publick transport usage, from close to 25% down to nearly 15%. At the same time, private car usage increased from 55% to above 65%. Perth and Adelaide both had very low publick transport percentages, under 10% in 2000 that, which dropped even lower by 2010, while cars were use by 75-80% of people and usage, which was at 75-80%, grew to over 80%. In conclusion, the main points is that private car usage for gocommuting to work was much higher than publick transportation in all the Australian cities shown, and it became even more common over the 10 ten-year timeperiod. Publick transport was used by a small paortion of people and gotthe population and became even less common, especially in the cities of Brisbane, Perth, and Adelaide, wearhere it was already not use much beforewidely used in 2000.
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Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the task and presents relevant data, but it requires significant improvements in clarity, coherence, and accuracy. Key strengths of the essay include a clear attempt to summarize the main features of the graph and make comparisons between the cities. The structure is generally appropriate, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Critical areas for improvement include enhancing clarity by providing specific percentages for all cities and improving the overall trend analysis. The use of cohesive devices and transitions between ideas needs to be more effective to improve coherence. Additionally, the vocabulary is repetitive, and spelling errors detract from the overall quality. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving sentence clarity, and ensuring proper use of linking words. The overview paragraph was clarified to summarize the main points more effectively. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include varying vocabulary further to avoid repetition and ensuring a more detailed analysis of trends across all cities. Additionally, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical mistakes and enhancing the range of sentence structures. The tone used is appropriate for an academic task, maintaining a formal style throughout the essay.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure, but the flow of ideas could be improved. Some sentences are awkwardly constructed, which affects clarity. For example, phrases like 'At same time' should be 'At the same time.' The use of cohesive devices is limited, and transitions between ideas could be smoother. To enhance coherence, the writer should use linking words more effectively and ensure logical progression between points.
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The writing contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues and incorrect verb forms ('use' instead of 'used'). There are also awkward constructions that hinder clarity. While the writer demonstrates some range in sentence structure, the frequent errors impact the overall accuracy. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical mistakes and varying sentence structures.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive, with terms like 'privat cars' and 'publick transport' appearing multiple times. There are also spelling errors ('privat,' 'publick,' 'decrese,' 'droped') that detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should aim for a wider range of vocabulary and ensure correct spelling, using synonyms where appropriate to avoid repetition.
5.0
Task Achievement
The response addresses the task by summarizing the main features of the graph and making comparisons between the cities. However, it lacks some clarity and detail in presenting the data, such as specific percentages for all cities and a more structured overview. To improve, the writer could include more precise figures and a clearer overall trend analysis.
6.0

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