The graph below presents the employment patterns in the USA between 1930 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Part 1 (Academic)
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

The graph is showing what are the employment inllustrates employment trends in the USA from 1930 year to 2010 year period. It presenting thes data byas percentages of a few differentacross several economic sectors which is, including information, services sector, industry, and agriculture. In start of At the beginning of the period, in 1930, agricultural have most percentage of employment at over 20% but it decrease most fast until only maybe around 2% by the last year 2010. The industry sector maintaining around 30-35% job in alle accounted for the highest proportion of employment at over 20%. However, this sector experienced the most rapid decline, decreasing to around 2% by 2010. In contrast, the industry sector maintained a stable share of employment, fluctuating between 30% and 35% over these 80 years, small fluctuations only. Biggest growth. The most significant growth occurred in the services sector, where nearly 80% of USA employees were working inby 2010. Its a huge, a substantial increase from onapproximately 40% in the 1930's. In conclusion it can seeing the, there is a clear pattern of reduction oin agricultural workers but services getting the very bigemployment, while the services sector has seen a remarkable increase, and the industry sector has remainsed stable. This trend areis expected to continue in the future, with agriculture will getting even lower percentage but services will more and morelikely to decline further and services increasingly dominateing USA employment in nextthe coming years.
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Expert Feedback

The essay effectively summarizes the main features of the graph and makes relevant comparisons, which is a key strength. However, it lacks clarity in some areas and could benefit from more precise language and a clearer structure. The introduction and body paragraphs have been improved to enhance coherence and cohesion, with better transitions and clearer topic sentences. Critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, as several errors were present in the original text. The use of varied vocabulary and more sophisticated expressions would also enhance the lexical resource. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing specific figures to support statements and using a wider range of cohesive devices. The tone used is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal and objective style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay presents a logical sequence of ideas, but the flow is occasionally disrupted by awkward phrasing and grammatical errors. The use of cohesive devices is limited, which affects the overall clarity. To improve, the writer should use more varied linking words and phrases to enhance the connection between ideas, such as 'in contrast,' 'similarly,' and 'as a result.'
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The writing contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues and incorrect verb forms, such as 'agricultural have' and 'it can seeing.' These errors detract from the overall clarity of the response. To improve, the writer should focus on using correct grammatical structures and varying sentence types to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical competence.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition and awkward phrasing, such as 'the graph is showing' and 'it presenting the data.' The writer could enhance their lexical resource by incorporating a wider range of vocabulary and more sophisticated expressions. For example, instead of 'most percentage of employment,' they could say 'the highest proportion of employment.'
6.0
Task Achievement
The response addresses the task by summarizing the main features of the graph and making relevant comparisons. However, it lacks clarity in some areas and could benefit from more precise language and a clearer structure. For improvement, the writer should focus on providing a more detailed analysis of the data and ensuring that all statements are supported by specific figures from the graph.
6.0

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