The graph below shows electricity consumption in England between 1980 and 2000. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Part 1 (Academic)
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

The greaph shows how much electricity was consumed in England from 1980 to 2000. The greph showIt presents information about two different sectors,: domestic and industrial, over a period of 20 years. In 1980, the industrial sector consumed more electricity, around 75 terawatts, andwhile the domestic sector consumed less, aroundt approximately 40 terawatts in the same year. The industrial consumption was alwaysconsistently higher than domestic duringthat of the domestic sector throughout the entire period shown oin the greaph, butalthough the gap between them got smallernarrowed over time. The industrial consumption stayremained relatively samtable over the 20-years period, it wasstarting at around 75 terawatts in 1980 and aroundincreasing to about 80 terawatts by 2000, so there wasindicating only a small increase. OIn other handcontrast, domestic electricity use increased a lotsaw a significant rise from 40 terawatts in 1980 to around 70 terawatts in 2000, which is bigrepresents a substantial jump. In conclusion, both sectors hadexperienced an increased in electricity consumption from 1980 to 2000, but the domestic sector had a much biglarger increase compared to the industrial sector during this time. Even Although the industrial sector still consumed more overall, the gap between the two sectors got much smaller bydiminished considerably by the end of the period.
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Expert Feedback

The essay effectively summarizes the main features of the graph and makes relevant comparisons between the domestic and industrial sectors, which is a key strength. However, there are critical areas for improvement, including the need for more precise data points and clearer trends. The structural changes made include correcting spelling errors, enhancing grammatical accuracy, and improving coherence with better transitions. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include varying vocabulary to avoid repetition and incorporating more sophisticated terms. The tone used is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal and objective style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay is generally coherent, with a logical progression of ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where transitions between ideas could be smoother. For example, using phrases like 'In contrast' or 'Additionally' could enhance the flow. Improving the linking of sentences and paragraphs would strengthen coherence.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The writing demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, but there are several grammatical errors, such as missing articles ('the industrial sector consumed more electricity') and awkward phrasing ('stayed relatively same'). These issues affect clarity and accuracy. To improve, the writer should focus on sentence structure and ensure grammatical accuracy throughout.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is adequate but somewhat repetitive, particularly with the word 'sector' and 'consumed.' There are also spelling errors, such as 'greph' instead of 'graph,' which detracts from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and ensure correct spelling, as well as incorporate more sophisticated terms where appropriate.
5.5
Task Achievement
The response addresses the task by summarizing the main features of the graph and making relevant comparisons between the domestic and industrial sectors. However, it lacks some detail and clarity in presenting the data, such as specific figures and trends. To improve, the writer could include more precise data points and a clearer overview of the trends observed.
6.0

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