The graph below shows the average retirement age of males and females in six countries in 2003.

Part 1 (Academic)
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

The line chart is showingllustrates the average age when men and women were retired in 6retirement age for men and women in six different countries oin 2003. It can be seen that there is variation in retirement ages variation between countries for both genders, and in all countries, womens retire at a younger age than males.en. For the mens, the highest retirement age is highest in the USA and Sweden, at around 65 years old. This is followed by the UK and Switzerland, where males retire at approximately 63 years of age. The lowest retirement ages for malen are in Thailand and Sri Lanka, at about 60. On the other hands, womens have a lower retirement age than men in all 6six country. Like theies. Similar to men, the highest retirement ages for women inare in the USA and Sweden, around 62-63 years old. The UK and Switzerland have similar female retirement ages in the 60-61 range. Again, similar to malen, women in Thailand retire earlier, around 58, andwhile in Sri Lanka, the retirement age is the youngest at 55. In summary, the retirement age varioues quite a bit between thisese countries, with a ranges of about 5 years for both men and womaen. The gender gap in retirement age exists in all countries, with women typically womens retiring 2-3 years younger than malesen. Overall, developed countries like the USA tend to have older retirement ages than developing nations like Sri Lanka and Thai Lland.
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Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task by summarizing the data presented in the line chart regarding retirement ages for males and females in six countries. Key strengths include a basic structure and the inclusion of relevant data points. However, critical areas for improvement include clarity and precision in presenting data, as well as grammatical accuracy. The structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving transitions, and ensuring proper spelling and phrasing. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include varying vocabulary to avoid repetition and enhancing the complexity of sentence structures. The tone used is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal and informative style.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure, but the flow of ideas could be improved. There are instances of awkward phrasing and unclear transitions, such as 'On the other hands' and 'Again similar to male.' To enhance coherence, the writer should use more varied cohesive devices and ensure logical progression between sentences and paragraphs.
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The writing contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('womens have lower retirement age'), incorrect article usage ('the average age when men and women were retired'), and awkward sentence structures. While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and vary sentence structures.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are some repetitive phrases, such as 'retirement age' and 'countries.' Additionally, there are some inaccuracies, such as 'womens' instead of 'women's' and 'approximatly' instead of 'approximately.' To improve, the writer could incorporate a wider range of vocabulary and ensure correct spelling and grammatical forms.
6.0
Task Achievement
The response addresses the task by summarizing the data presented in the line chart regarding retirement ages for males and females in six countries. However, it lacks some clarity and precision in presenting the data, such as specific figures and comparisons. To improve, the writer could provide clearer distinctions between the countries and ensure that all relevant data points are included.
6.0

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