The graph shows the information about the trends in consumption of fast food types.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay effectively summarizes the trends in fast food consumption, demonstrating a clear understanding of the task. Key strengths include a logical structure and the use of cohesive devices that guide the reader through the information presented. However, critical areas for improvement include the need for more specific data points, such as exact years or time intervals, to enhance clarity. Additionally, the introduction has been made more formal, and grammatical errors have been corrected to improve accuracy. The structural changes made include correcting grammatical mistakes and enhancing the flow between sentences. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include varying vocabulary to avoid repetition and providing more detailed comparisons between the different fast foods. The tone used is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal and informative style throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay is generally well-organized, with a logical flow of ideas. The use of cohesive devices such as 'on the other hand' and 'in conclusion' helps guide the reader. However, some sentences could be better linked for smoother transitions. For instance, the transition between the discussion of burgers and pizza could be more explicit to enhance coherence.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The writing demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, but there are several grammatical errors, such as 'the begining' (should be 'beginning') and 'it start' (should be 'it started'). These errors affect the overall accuracy. To improve, the writer should proofread for minor mistakes and ensure subject-verb agreement is maintained throughout.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is appropriate for the task, with terms like 'consumption', 'popularity', and 'fluctuations' being relevant. However, there are instances of repetition, such as the word 'consumed' and 'consumption'. To improve, the writer could use synonyms or varied expressions, such as 'eaten' or 'ingested', to demonstrate a wider lexical range.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The response addresses the task by summarizing the trends in fast food consumption effectively. However, it could be improved by providing more specific data points and clearer comparisons. For example, mentioning the exact years or time intervals would enhance clarity. Additionally, the introduction could be more formal, stating 'The graph illustrates' instead of 'The graph is showing'.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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