The graph shows the number of people taking part in 4 kinds of sports in a particular region between 1985 and 2005.

Part 1 (Academic)
5.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

The line graph are illustrating about amount of peoples who was doinges the number of people participating in four different sports activities at some area from year 1985 until 2005 yearin a certain area from 1985 to 2005. Overall, while participation oin swimming and football were decreased over time, playing on tennis and handball got higherbecame more popular. According to this graph, swimming iswas the most favourite sport at the beginning, with nearly 50 people in 1985. However, it have straightexperienced a steady declininge until the last year shown, reaching around 35 people in the 2005. SA similar pattern were happened tooccurred with football also, starting from approximately 45 people but fall down continuously reachfalling to a lowest point atof 30 people in 2005. On the other hand, population whothe number of people playing tennis and handball increased significantly. Tennis raiose dramatically since 1985 at 15 people became twice higher infrom 15 people in 1985 to twice that number, reaching 30 people by the end of the period at 30 people. As tofor handball, even though havedespite starting with a small number of 15 people in 1985, it growthew constaistently over the 20 years and reached peaked at 25 people in the last year. In summary, the graph shows that the popularity of swimming and football popularity going downdeclined, while the opposite things take placerend occurred for tennis withand handball from 1985 to 2005 year in that region.
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Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task by summarizing the trends in sports participation over the specified period. Key strengths include a logical structure and an attempt to present an overview of the data. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, particularly with subject-verb agreement and verb forms, as well as the use of more precise vocabulary. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving clarity in phrasing, and enhancing coherence with better transitions. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include expanding the range of vocabulary and incorporating more cohesive devices to enhance the flow of ideas. The tone used is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal and objective style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure, but the flow of ideas could be improved. Some sentences are awkwardly constructed, which affects clarity. For example, 'Similar pattern were happened to football also' could be rephrased to 'A similar pattern occurred with football.' Using more cohesive devices would enhance the overall coherence.
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The writing contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('The line graph are illustrating') and incorrect verb forms ('it have straight declining'). These errors detract from the overall clarity. To improve, the writer should focus on using correct grammatical structures and varying sentence types.
4.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is somewhat limited and includes several inaccuracies, such as 'higher popular' instead of 'more popular' and 'amount of peoples.' There are also instances of repetition, such as 'people' and 'sport.' To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and ensure correct word forms.
5.0
Task Achievement
The response addresses the task by summarizing the trends in sports participation over the specified period. However, it lacks clarity in some areas and contains inaccuracies, such as 'amount of peoples' instead of 'number of people.' To improve, the writer should ensure accurate terminology and provide a clearer overview of the data presented.
5.0

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