The graph shows the number of visitors to a variety of art galleries in 2011. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay effectively addresses the task by summarizing the main features of the graph and making relevant comparisons. Key strengths include a clear structure and the identification of significant trends among the galleries. However, critical areas for improvement include enhancing coherence through better transitions and improving grammatical accuracy, particularly with verb tenses and plural forms. Structural changes made include correcting verb tenses for consistency and improving the flow between sentences. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include varying vocabulary to avoid repetition and incorporating more specific data points for clarity. The tone used is appropriate for an academic task, maintaining a formal and objective style throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay has a logical structure, but some sentences could be better linked for improved flow. For instance, the transition between the discussion of the Hayward Gallery and the Tate Gallery could be smoother. Using more cohesive devices, such as 'in contrast' or 'similarly,' would enhance coherence.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The writing demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, but there are several errors that affect clarity, such as 'which have' instead of 'which had' and 'the Tate Britain have' instead of 'the Tate Britain had.' Improving grammatical accuracy and using a wider variety of sentence structures would enhance the score.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are some repetitive phrases, such as 'number of visitors' and 'art galleries.' Additionally, there are some spelling errors, such as 'gelleries' and 'visiters,' which detract from the overall quality. Using synonyms or varied expressions could improve the lexical range.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The response addresses the task by summarizing the main features of the graph and making relevant comparisons. However, it could be improved by providing more specific data points and clearer distinctions between the galleries. For example, mentioning the exact visitor numbers for each gallery would enhance clarity.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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