The graph shows the unemployment rates in the UK, rest of Europe and Japan from 1993 to 2007.

Part 1 (Academic)
6.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

This graph is showing data aboutllustrates data regarding the unemployment rate for three places, wich arregions: the UK, the rest of Europe, and also Japan. It shows the numberpresents the figures for everyach year starting from 1993 going untilto 2007. In 1993, the UK had around 10%n unemployment rate of around 10%, which was, higher than that of Japan and the rest of Europe that was, both of which were between 8-% and 9%. The UK unemployment rate continuously decreased thereafter that, reaching theits lowest point at aroundof approximately 5% in 2007. OIn the other handcontrast, unemployment in the rest of Europe has stayremained prettlatively stable throughout the years, never going much higher than 9% or lower thanexceeding 9% or dropping below 8%. It also enconcluded at around the same 8% level in 2007 as it did in 1993. Meanwhile, Japan showsexhibited an opposite trend compared to the UK. It's unemployment rate started very low in 1993 at around 2%, but then kept going upsteadily increased over the years. By 2007, it exceeded 5% unemployed workers which is even higher than UK at that time, although still quite lower versussurpassed 5%, which was higher than the UK's rate at that time, although still significantly lower than that of the rest of Europe. In conclusionsummary, this graph indicates that the changes in unemployment rate changes were quite different inacross the three regions over this 15-year period. While UK saw bigthe UK experienced significant improvement and Japan got worstworsened, the rest of Europe did notshowed little change a lot in their numbers of jobless peopleunemployed individuals.
DeletedOriginal textAddedCorrected text

Expert Feedback

The essay effectively addresses the task by summarizing the unemployment rates in the UK, the rest of Europe, and Japan from 1993 to 2007. Key strengths include a clear structure and logical flow of ideas. However, critical areas for improvement include enhancing clarity by providing more specific data points for Japan and improving cohesion with better transitions between regions. Structural changes made include refining the introduction for clarity, improving transitions, and correcting grammatical errors. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include varying vocabulary to avoid repetition and using more formal language. The tone used is appropriate for an academic context, but could benefit from a more varied lexical resource.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay is generally coherent, with a logical flow of ideas. However, some sentences could be better linked to enhance cohesion. For example, the transition between discussing the UK and Japan could be smoother. Using more cohesive devices, such as 'in contrast' or 'similarly,' would improve the overall clarity.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The writing contains several grammatical errors, such as 'wich' instead of 'which,' and awkward constructions like 'shows a opposite trend.' These errors affect the clarity of the message. While the writer demonstrates some range in sentence structures, improving grammatical accuracy and correcting minor errors would elevate the score.
5.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is appropriate but somewhat limited. There are instances of repetition, such as 'unemployment rate' and 'around,' which could be varied. The use of phrases like 'jobless people' is less formal and could be replaced with 'unemployed individuals' for a more academic tone. Expanding the range of vocabulary would enhance the overall quality.
6.0
Task Achievement
The response addresses the task by summarizing the unemployment rates in the UK, the rest of Europe, and Japan from 1993 to 2007. However, it lacks some detail and clarity in presenting the data, such as specific figures for Japan and a more thorough comparison. To improve, the writer could include more precise data points and clearer comparisons between the regions.
6.5

Related Writing Samples

Part 1 (Academic)
8.0

You eat at your college cafeteria every lunch time. However, you think it needs some improvements. Write a letter to the college magazine. In your letter, explain what you like about the cafeteria say what is wrong with it suggest how it could be improved

Part 1 (Academic)
6.5

The graph below shows average carbon dioxide (CO2) emissions per person in the United Kingdom, Sweden, Italy and Portugal between 1967 and 2007. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Part 1 (Academic)
6.0

The graph below gives information about the percentage of the population in four Asian countries living in cities from 1970 to 2020, with predictions for 2030 and 2040. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Part 1 (Academic)
5.0

The pie charts show the destination of export goods in three countries in 2010.

Part 1 (Academic)
5.0

The chart below shows the expenditure of two countries on consumer goods in 2010.

Part 1 (Academic)
5.0

"Violence in playgrounds is increasing. However, it is important that parents should teach children not to hit back at bullies."