The graphs below show the total percentage of films released and the total percentage of ticket sales in 1996 and 2006 in a country. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay effectively summarizes the main features of the graphs and makes relevant comparisons, which is a key strength. However, it previously lacked clarity and structure, which has been improved in the corrected version. The introduction now clearly paraphrases the question, and the body paragraphs are more logically organized with clearer topic sentences and supporting details. Critical areas for improvement included grammatical accuracy, spelling, and the use of cohesive devices. The corrected version addresses many of these issues, such as correcting subject-verb agreement and spelling errors, while also enhancing the flow with better transitions. Structural changes made include refining the introduction for clarity, improving the organization of body paragraphs, and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence. Additionally, the overview paragraph has been strengthened to summarize the main points more effectively. Further improvements could include a more varied vocabulary and the use of more complex sentence structures to enhance the overall sophistication of the writing. Additionally, incorporating more linking phrases could further improve coherence. The tone used is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal and objective style throughout the essay.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay presents information in a somewhat logical order, but the flow is disrupted by awkward phrasing and grammatical errors. The use of cohesive devices is limited, which affects the overall clarity. To improve, the writer should use more linking words and phrases to enhance the flow of ideas, such as 'in addition,' 'furthermore,' and 'on the other hand.'
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The writing contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('has shown' should be 'have shown') and incorrect verb forms ('drop big' should be 'dropped significantly'). While the writer demonstrates some range in sentence structure, the errors detract from the overall accuracy. To improve, the writer should proofread their work for grammatical correctness and aim for more complex sentence structures.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'filim,' 'lowwest,' 'sifi,' 'saleing') and some repetitive phrases. The writer could enhance their score by incorporating a wider range of vocabulary and ensuring correct spelling. For example, using 'science fiction' instead of 'sifi' and 'sales' instead of 'saleing' would improve clarity.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The response addresses the task by summarizing the main features of the graphs and making relevant comparisons. However, it lacks clarity in some areas and could benefit from a more structured approach. For improvement, the writer should ensure that all key details are accurately represented and clearly articulated, such as specifying the exact percentages and trends more precisely.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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