The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

In nNowadays, there are more and more people becoming obeses. This is a problamem for the healthcare system trying to solve the issues. I agree and think that more physical education classes in the school curriculum isare the best way to address this problem, because of for several reasons. To begin, adding more physical education for children in school will teach the younger generation to be more active from a young age. This will become a habit for them. According to statistics, the perscentage of overweight people is increasing. More physical lessons in school will make ensure children learn the importance of being healthy and active, and will encourage them to keep thismaintain these habbits as they grow older. Furthermore, obesity is putting pressure on the healthcare system. When people are overweighted, they have to go tovisit doctors and hospitals more offten. This is costly for the government. If, instead, we givprovide children with more physical classes in schools, we can prevent them from becoming too heavy in the first place. Prevention is cheaper and easier than cure. SoTherefore, introducing more physical education for children will prevent many people from becoming obese, and it will save costs for the healthcare system in the future because there is less people who is heavy. will be fewer people who are overweight. To conclude, in my opinion, more physical lessons for school children isare the best way to deal with the obeseity issue because it will teach children about a healthy lifestyle from a young age and also it will save money for the healthcare system by preventing overweightness. GThe government should consider adding more physical activity into schools' timetables to address this problem.
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Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear position in favour of increasing physical education in schools to combat obesity, which is a key strength. The structure is logical, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, critical areas for improvement include addressing spelling and grammatical errors, enhancing coherence with smoother transitions, and providing more specific examples to support the arguments. The structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving transitions, and ensuring subject-verb agreement. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating specific data or examples to strengthen the argument and varying sentence structures for better engagement. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the transitions between ideas could be smoother, and some sentences feel disjointed. For example, the phrase 'According statistics' should be 'According to statistics' for better clarity. Using more cohesive devices would enhance the flow of the essay.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues (e.g., 'there are more and more people becoming obeses'), incorrect verb forms, and awkward constructions. While the meaning is generally clear, the frequency of errors affects the overall accuracy. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical correctness and varying sentence structures.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'obeses', 'problame', 'healtcare', 'persentage', 'overweighted', 'offten', 'obesety', 'helthcare') that detract from the overall quality. The writer does use some relevant terms related to the topic, but a wider range of vocabulary and more precise word choices would improve the score.
5.5
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by presenting a clear position in favor of introducing more physical education in schools to combat obesity. However, it lacks depth in developing the argument and could benefit from more specific examples or data to strengthen the points made. For improvement, the writer could elaborate on how physical education can be effectively implemented and its long-term benefits.
6.0

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