The growth of online shopping will one day lead to all shops in towns closing. Do you agree or disagree?
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task and presents a coherent argument in favour of the impact of online shopping on local businesses. Key strengths include a clear position on the topic and relevant supporting details. However, critical areas for improvement include enhancing the variety of vocabulary and reducing repetition, particularly with terms like 'online shops' and 'local shops.' The grammatical accuracy needs attention, particularly with minor errors and sentence structure complexity. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving transitions, and varying vocabulary to enhance cohesion. For further improvement, the writer could consider discussing potential counterarguments or implications of the trend to strengthen the argument. The tone is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective style throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay is generally coherent, with a logical flow of ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices could be improved. For instance, transitions between points could be smoother, and the repetition of phrases like 'online shops' and 'local shops' could be varied to enhance cohesion. Using linking words such as 'furthermore' or 'in addition' would help in connecting ideas more effectively.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as 'i' instead of 'I' and missing articles (e.g., 'a few reasons' instead of 'few reasons'). While the overall meaning is clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. The sentence structures are mostly simple, and incorporating more complex sentences could improve the grammatical range.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is appropriate for the topic, but there is some repetition of terms like 'online shopping' and 'local shops.' More varied vocabulary and idiomatic expressions could enhance the essay. For example, instead of repeatedly saying 'local shops,' alternatives like 'brick-and-mortar stores' could be used to demonstrate a wider lexical range.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The essay addresses the prompt by clearly stating agreement with the idea that online shopping will lead to the closure of local shops. It provides relevant reasons and examples to support this position. However, the argument could be strengthened by acknowledging potential counterarguments or discussing the implications of this trend in more depth.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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