The image illustrates the steps involved in the processing of drinks.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay effectively outlines the steps involved in the drink production process, demonstrating a clear understanding of the task. Key strengths include a logical sequence of events and a generally appropriate tone for an academic task. However, critical areas for improvement include enhancing the depth of detail regarding each step, improving the use of cohesive devices for better flow, and addressing grammatical errors. Structural changes made include correcting awkward phrases and ensuring proper subject-verb agreement. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating more specific information about the types of fruits used and varying vocabulary to avoid repetition. Overall, the tone is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining clarity and formality throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay is generally coherent, with a logical sequence of steps. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and transitions between sentences could be smoother. For example, using phrases like 'subsequently' or 'following this' could enhance the flow of ideas.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The writing contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement ('bacterias' should be 'bacteria') and awkward constructions ('Its important step' should be 'It's an important step'). While the overall meaning is clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is appropriate for the task, but there are instances of repetition, such as 'juice' and 'drink.' Additionally, some word choices are awkward, such as 'mixturing' instead of 'mixing' and 'bacterias' instead of 'bacteria.' To improve, the writer could incorporate a wider range of vocabulary and more precise terms.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The response provides a clear overview of the drink processing steps, addressing the task effectively. However, it lacks some detail and depth in explanation. For improvement, the writer could include more specific information about each step, such as the types of fruits used or the purpose of each stage in more detail.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
Related Writing Samples
You eat at your college cafeteria every lunch time. However, you think it needs some improvements. Write a letter to the college magazine. In your letter, explain what you like about the cafeteria say what is wrong with it suggest how it could be improved
The graph below shows average carbon dioxide (CO2) emissions per person in the United Kingdom, Sweden, Italy and Portugal between 1967 and 2007. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The graph below gives information about the percentage of the population in four Asian countries living in cities from 1970 to 2020, with predictions for 2030 and 2040. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The pie charts show the destination of export goods in three countries in 2010.
The chart below shows the expenditure of two countries on consumer goods in 2010.
"Violence in playgrounds is increasing. However, it is important that parents should teach children not to hit back at bullies."