The image shows the number of international conferences held in three cities in 2015.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task, summarizing the data regarding international conferences in three cities effectively. Key strengths include a logical structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion, as well as a generally appropriate use of vocabulary. However, critical areas for improvement include addressing spelling errors, enhancing grammatical accuracy, and improving the clarity of certain phrases. Structural changes made include correcting awkward phrasing and ensuring proper grammatical forms, such as changing 'to held' to 'to hold.' Additionally, the transition phrases were improved for better coherence. For further improvements, the writer could focus on varying vocabulary to avoid repetition and ensure a more sophisticated range of sentence structures. The tone used is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal and objective style throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay has a logical structure, with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances of awkward transitions, such as 'On other hand.' To enhance coherence, the writer could use more varied linking phrases and ensure that each idea flows smoothly into the next.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as incorrect verb forms ('to held' should be 'to hold') and awkward sentence structures. The phrase 'Despite Hong Kong is a developed city, but it only held...' is incorrect due to the use of 'but' after 'despite.' While the writer demonstrates some range in sentence structures, the errors impact clarity. To improve, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and sentence construction.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'Singpore,' 'Honh Kong,' 'Overally,' 'aroumd,' 'preffered') that detract from the overall quality. The writer does use some varied vocabulary, but repetition of phrases like 'international conferences' could be reduced by using synonyms. To improve, the writer should proofread for spelling errors and consider using a wider range of vocabulary.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The response addresses the task by summarizing the data regarding international conferences in three cities. However, it lacks clarity in some areas, such as the phrasing 'the graph is showing about' which is awkward. Additionally, the conclusion could be more developed to reflect on the implications of the data. To improve, the writer should focus on clearer phrasing and ensure that all statements are directly supported by the data presented.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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