The line graph compares the percentage of people in Africa from 1994 to 2004.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the task, effectively describing the line graph and providing relevant data points. Key strengths include the identification of trends and the use of specific figures to support the description. However, critical areas for improvement include the need for a clearer overview and better cohesion between ideas. The structural changes made include refining the introduction for clarity, improving the flow of information between paragraphs, and correcting grammatical errors. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include varying vocabulary to avoid repetition and enhancing the use of cohesive devices. The tone used is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal and objective style throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The writing has a basic structure, but the flow of ideas is somewhat disjointed. There are instances of repetition, such as 'percentage of people' and 'showing,' which could be varied for better cohesion. Using more cohesive devices, such as 'however' or 'in addition,' would enhance the logical progression of ideas.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The writing contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('The line graph are showing'), incorrect pluralization ('peoples'), and awkward sentence structures. While the meaning is generally clear, improving grammatical accuracy and using a wider range of sentence structures would enhance the overall quality.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of awkward phrasing, such as 'the percentage of peoples in Africa country' and 'the line keep going up.' There is also repetition of phrases like 'percentage of people.' To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and more precise expressions.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The response addresses the task by describing the line graph and providing relevant data points. However, it lacks a clear overview and does not fully summarize the trends effectively. To improve, the writer should include a more explicit summary of the overall trend and key features of the graph, such as the peak and decline.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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