The line graph shows information on the average number of visitors entering a museum in summer and winter in 2003.

Part 1 (Academic)
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

The graph hapresents information about the number of visitors to a museum for 2003 yearin the year 2003. It showings the average number of peoples who visited induring the summer months andcompared to the winter months. In At the beginning of summer, the number of visitors number was around 100 peoples. It increased fastly and reached a high pointquickly, reaching a peak of almost 500 in the middle of summer. Then the line go down but still more higher thanAfter this high point, the line declined but remained above 100 visitors at the end of summer. In wintercontrast, the average visitorsnumber of visitors in winter startinged at around 70 peoples. The number going up and down a little bit during winter, but always staying less thanfluctuated slightly during winter, but it consistently stayed below 200 visitors. AtBy the ending of winter it was around 100 visitors, that, the visitor count was around 100, which is lower than the starting of snummber nfor sumbmer. Overall, the summer has much moremonths had a significantly higher average of museum visitors thancompared to the winter doemonths.
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Expert Feedback

The essay effectively addresses the task by describing the trends in visitor numbers for both summer and winter in 2003. Key strengths include a clear identification of trends and a basic structure that separates different time periods. However, critical areas for improvement include enhancing clarity and detail in data presentation, correcting grammatical errors, and expanding vocabulary to avoid repetition. Structural changes made include refining the introduction for clarity, improving transitions between paragraphs, and correcting grammatical inaccuracies. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing more specific time frames for the data and incorporating a wider range of vocabulary. The tone used is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal and informative style.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure, but the flow of ideas could be improved. Some sentences are awkwardly constructed, which affects clarity. For example, 'In beginning of summer' should be 'At the beginning of summer.' Using more cohesive devices, such as 'In contrast' or 'Similarly,' would enhance the logical progression of ideas.
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The writing contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement ('the line go down' should be 'the line goes down') and incorrect plural forms ('peoples' should be 'people'). These errors detract from the overall clarity. To improve, the writer should focus on using correct grammatical structures and ensuring subject-verb agreement.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition, such as 'visitors' and 'peoples.' Additionally, phrases like 'fastly' are incorrect; the correct form is 'quickly.' To improve, the writer should aim for a wider range of vocabulary and avoid redundancy.
5.5
Task Achievement
The response addresses the task by describing the trends in visitor numbers for both summer and winter in 2003. However, it lacks some detail and clarity in presenting the data, such as specific time frames and comparisons. To improve, the writer could include more precise figures and a clearer summary of the overall trends.
6.0

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