The pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay effectively summarizes the main features of the pie charts and makes relevant comparisons, demonstrating a good understanding of the task. Key strengths include a clear identification of trends and the use of appropriate vocabulary. However, critical areas for improvement include addressing grammatical errors, enhancing coherence with better transitions, and correcting spelling mistakes. Structural changes made include correcting verb forms and ensuring subject-verb agreement, as well as improving the flow between points with cohesive devices. For further improvements, the writer could focus on varying sentence structures and expanding vocabulary to enhance the overall quality. The tone used is appropriate for an academic task, maintaining a formal and informative style.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay has a logical structure, but some sentences could be better connected to enhance the flow of information. For instance, the transition between discussing the Food and Beverage sector and the Other category could be smoother. Using more cohesive devices, such as 'in addition' or 'furthermore,' would improve the overall coherence.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, but there are several grammatical errors, such as 'illustrates' instead of 'illustrate' and 'decrease' instead of 'decreased.' These errors affect clarity and accuracy. To improve, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, with terms like 'notable increase' and 'proportion' demonstrating a good range. However, there are some spelling errors, such as 'shoping' instead of 'shopping' and 'appeard' instead of 'appeared,' which detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should proofread for spelling and consider using more varied vocabulary.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The response addresses the task by summarizing the main features of the pie charts and making relevant comparisons. However, it lacks some clarity in presenting the data, particularly regarding the 'Other' category, which could be more explicitly stated. To improve, the writer could provide clearer transitions between points and ensure all data is accurately represented.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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