The pie graphs below show the results of a survey of children's activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay effectively summarizes the key features of the pie charts, demonstrating a clear understanding of the task. Key strengths include a good attempt at comparing the activities of boys and girls, as well as the use of specific percentages to support the analysis. However, there are critical areas for improvement. The coherence and cohesion of the essay could be enhanced by using more varied linking words and phrases. Additionally, grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement and incorrect verb forms, need to be addressed to improve clarity. The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of incorrect word forms and spelling errors that should be corrected. Structural changes made include correcting awkward phrases and ensuring proper subject-verb agreement. The introduction was slightly rephrased for clarity, and the conclusion was refined to better summarize the findings. For further improvements, the writer could focus on expanding their vocabulary range and using more precise language. Additionally, ensuring that all comparisons are clearly articulated would enhance the overall clarity of the essay. The tone used is appropriate for an academic task, maintaining a formal and objective style throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay has a basic structure, but the flow of ideas is somewhat disjointed. There are instances of awkward phrasing, such as 'on the another hand' and 'similar like boys,' which disrupt the coherence. To enhance cohesion, the writer could use more varied linking words and phrases to connect ideas more smoothly.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The writing contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('boys and girls has' should be 'boys and girls have') and incorrect verb forms ('we can seeing' should be 'we can see'). There are also awkward constructions that affect clarity. To improve, the writer should focus on ensuring subject-verb agreement and using correct verb forms consistently.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of incorrect word forms and spelling errors, such as 'leisural' instead of 'leisure' and 'prefered' instead of 'preferred.' Additionally, the use of phrases like 'a mere 10%' is effective, but the overall range of vocabulary could be expanded. To improve, the writer should focus on using more precise and varied vocabulary.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The response addresses the task by summarizing the key features of the pie charts, but it lacks clarity in some areas. For example, the phrase 'data showing boys more prefer physical activities such like sport' could be more clearly articulated. To improve, the writer should ensure that all comparisons are clearly stated and that the overall trends are more explicitly highlighted.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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