The two pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task, effectively comparing online shopping sales in Canada between 2005 and 2010. Key strengths include a logical structure and the identification of major trends. However, critical areas for improvement include enhancing the overview to summarize the main points more effectively and correcting grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. Structural changes made include correcting the introduction for clarity and ensuring proper subject-verb agreement throughout. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented include varying sentence structures more extensively and incorporating a wider range of vocabulary. The tone used is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal and informative style.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay presents information in a logical order, but the use of cohesive devices is limited and at times awkward. Phrases like 'in second it is coming another category' could be improved for clarity. To enhance coherence, the writer could use more varied linking words and phrases to connect ideas more smoothly, such as 'in addition' or 'on the other hand'.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ('is showing', 'are staying same') and awkward constructions ('a clear shift and increase can be see'). While the writer demonstrates some range in sentence structures, the errors affect clarity. To improve, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and vary sentence structures more effectively.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'comparision', 'shoping', 'anothers', 'perriod') that detract from the overall quality. Additionally, the use of phrases like 'is occupying' and 'can be see' indicates a lack of flexibility in vocabulary. To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and ensure correct spelling.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The response addresses the task by comparing the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada between 2005 and 2010. However, it lacks a clear overview and does not fully develop the trends observed in the data. To improve, the writer should provide a more structured summary of the main changes and trends, perhaps by highlighting the most significant increases and decreases in sales.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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