The use of mobile phones should be banned in public places like libraries and shops. Do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
5.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

I am agree that the use of mobile phones must be banned in public places, for example, libraries and shops. There isare many reasons for this opinion, which iI will explain in the next paragraphs. Firstly, when peoples use phones in libraryies, they make lots of noicese, which disturbs other peoples who want to study and read books quietly. Phone calls can be very loud sometimes, and this is not good manners in a library where we need silence. Alsodditionally, in shops, the ringing of mobiles can annoy other customers and make it hard for shopkeepers to concentrate on theire work. Secondly, using mobiles in public places can cause accidents. For exeample, if someone is talking on the phone while shopping, they might not see where they are going and bump into other people or drop things by mistake. This can be dangerous for everyone in the shop. Similarly, in librarysies, if people are not paying attention because of phone use, they may trip over or knock over books and cause damag. e. In conclusion, iI strongly believe that mobile phones should not be allowed in public spaces such as libraryies and shops. It is important to be considerate of others and make ensure we do not disturb them with our phone usage. We should keep our calls and texts for private places where we will not bother anyone else.
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Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear opinion on the topic and is structured with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which are key strengths. However, there are critical areas for improvement, including grammatical accuracy, spelling, and the development of ideas with more specific examples. The structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving spelling, and enhancing coherence with better transitions. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing more varied examples and considering counterarguments to strengthen the argument. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the use of cohesive devices is basic, and transitions between ideas could be smoother. For instance, using phrases like 'Furthermore' or 'In addition' could enhance the flow of ideas. Improving the linking of sentences and paragraphs would strengthen coherence.
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('I am agree'), incorrect verb forms ('make hard for shopkeepers'), and punctuation mistakes. While the meaning is generally clear, these errors affect the overall accuracy. To improve, the writer should review basic grammar rules and practice constructing more complex sentences.
4.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'resons', 'noice', 'librarys', 'atention', 'privat') that detract from the overall quality. The writer does use some relevant terms related to the topic, but a wider range of vocabulary and more precise word choices would enhance the essay. To improve, the writer should focus on spelling and consider using synonyms to avoid repetition.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by presenting a clear opinion that mobile phones should be banned in public places. However, the development of ideas is somewhat limited, and the examples provided could be more specific and detailed. To improve, the writer could elaborate on the consequences of mobile phone use in public spaces with more varied examples and perhaps counterarguments.
5.0

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