Today's schools should teach their students how to survive financially in the world today. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Part 2
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

In my opinion, I agree that all schools nowadays should teach theyir students about how to survive financially in the modern world. There are many reasons why I support this view, which I will explain in this writing. Firstly, in today's world, money is very much important to live a good life. If we do not have enough money, then it is very difficult to do anything or to buy things that we need for our day-to-day life. Therefore, it is crucial for students to learn from a young age about how to manage theyir money properly and how to save for the future. Schools can teach students about budgeting, investing, and other financial concepts, which will be very usefull for them when they become adults. Secondly, many people struggle with debt and financial problems because they did not learn about money management when they were young. If schools teach students about how to handle money responsibilitly from an early age, then it can help prevent these kinds of issues in the future. Students will be more prepared to make smart financial decisions and avoid common mistakes that many adults make. For instance, understanding the importance of credit scores and how to avoid high-interest debt can significantly impact their future financial stability. In conclusion, I strongly believe that schools have a duty to teach their students about financial survival in today's world. By providing this education from a young age, schools can help ensure that students are well-equipped to manage theyir money effectively and avoid financial hardship in the future.
DeletedOriginal textAddedCorrected text

Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear opinion on the necessity of financial education in schools, which is a key strength. The logical progression of ideas is evident, but the essay could benefit from smoother transitions and a more defined structure. Critical areas for improvement include addressing grammatical errors, enhancing vocabulary variety, and providing specific examples to strengthen arguments. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving coherence with better transitions, and adding a specific example in the second body paragraph to illustrate the importance of financial literacy. Further improvements could involve incorporating more varied sentence structures and a wider range of vocabulary. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay is generally coherent, with a logical progression of ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices could be improved. For example, transitions between points could be smoother, and the overall structure could be enhanced by clearly delineating the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues (e.g., 'school have' should be 'schools have') and incorrect pronouns (e.g., 'they student' should be 'their students'). While the meaning is generally clear, these errors affect the overall accuracy. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical correctness and varying sentence structures.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is adequate but somewhat repetitive, with phrases like 'money management' and 'financial problems' appearing multiple times. There are also some spelling errors (e.g., 'nowdays', 'shoud', 'usefull') that detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer could incorporate a wider range of vocabulary and ensure correct spelling.
5.5
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by expressing a clear opinion on the necessity of financial education in schools. However, it could benefit from more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the topic. For instance, discussing the impact of financial literacy on future career choices or societal benefits could strengthen the argument.
6.0

Related Writing Samples

Part 2
5.0

Many people believe that social networking sites (such as Facebook) have had a huge negative impact on individuals and society. To what extent do you agree?

Part 2
6.5

Whether or not someone achieves their aims is mostly a question of luck. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
8.0

We have become a disposable society, preferring to buy new products rather than fixing existing items. What are the causes of this trend and what are the possible solutions?

Part 2
5.5

The tendency that news reports in media focus on problems and emergencies rather than on positive developments is harmful for individuals and the society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
7.0

Today single-use products are still very common. Why is this? What are the problems associated with this?

Part 2
6.5

In the future, more people will choose to go on holiday in their own country and not travel abroad on holiday. Do you agree or disagree?