Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
5.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

In the today's world, many people are thinkingbelieve that education is the most important foractor for the young population. However, others sayargue that it would be good ifbeneficial if the governement gives money for free time things,allocated funds for leisure activities after school and university. In this essay, I will discuss that I verywhy I strongly agree that education should stay most important andremain the top priority and that the govenrnment should not pay for free time.finance leisure activities. First of all, the education is the most important thing that young people need to getsecure good jobs. They need tomust study a lotvariety of subjecs likets, such as mathematics, science, English, and other importantessential languages, to be pready for work in future. If they have free timpared for future employment. If they engage in leisure activityies, their study will not be so goodacademic performance may suffer, and they willmay not getsecure good jobs. Secondly, if the govenrnment uses the moneyfunds to pay for funrecreational activities, there wont be money for important thingill not be enough money for critical services like hospitals and roads. In my country, there is not so much money to spend on many things, so we need to chooslimited funding available, so we must prioritize what is most important. I thinkbelieve that health and transportation are more improtsignificant than free timleisure activityies for young people. In conlclusion, I verstrongly disagree with the notion that the govenrnment should use money to pay for free timallocate funds for leisure activityies for young people. Education is the most importaparamount for them to getobtain good jobs, and the country needs money to pay things that are more important for all people, likefinancial resources to support essential services, such as hospitals. If the young population haves free time, they can find ways to enjoy themselfves without govenrnment moneyfunding.
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Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear position on the importance of education over leisure activities, which is a key strength. The structure is generally appropriate, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are critical areas for improvement, including the need for more depth in arguments and specific examples to support claims. The flow of ideas could be enhanced with better transitions, and spelling and grammatical errors detract from the overall quality. Structural changes made include correcting spelling errors, improving sentence structure for clarity, and enhancing transitions between points. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing specific examples of how education leads to better job opportunities and elaborating on the consequences of underfunding essential services. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is somewhat disjointed, and transitions between points could be smoother. For instance, using cohesive devices like 'furthermore' or 'in addition' could enhance the connection between ideas. Improving the logical progression of arguments would strengthen coherence.
5.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues and awkward phrasing (e.g., 'the education is most important thing'). While the meaning is generally clear, these errors affect the overall accuracy. To improve, the writer should focus on sentence structure and ensure subject-verb agreement, as well as practice using more complex sentences.
4.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'governemnt', 'subjecs', 'transpotation', 'improtant', 'conlcusion') that detract from the overall quality. The writer demonstrates some range in vocabulary but could benefit from using more varied and sophisticated expressions. To improve, the writer should proofread for spelling and consider using synonyms to avoid repetition.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear position that education is more important than free time activities. However, the argument lacks depth and development, with limited examples to support the claims. To improve, the writer could provide specific examples of how education leads to better job opportunities or elaborate on the consequences of underfunding essential services.
5.0

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