"Violence in playgrounds is increasing. However, it is important that parents should teach children not to hit back at bullies."

Part 1 (Academic)
5.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

Nowadays, ithere is increasingly common to see violence happen on playgrounds. It is a big problem that needs to be addressed. I agree that parents have an important role toin teaching their children to not to fight back against bully.ies. Firstly, violence aton playgrounds is bad fordetrimental to child development. When children see other children useing violence, they may think it is normal behaviour. This can make them more likely to also use violence theirmself. Andves. Furthermore, if a child is a victim of violence, it can cause trauma and make them afraid to go to the playground. The playground should be a safe and fun place for all children, not a place of fear. Secondly, parents are the best people to teach children good behaviour. Children learn by example, so if parents show kindness and peacefulness, then children are more likely to do the same. Parents can teach children to talk to a teacher or adult if they are bullyied, instead of trying to fight. This will help stop the cycle of violence. Parents spend the most time with child so have bigtheir children, so they have a significant influence. In conclusions, I strongly agree that risingthe rise of violence aton playgrounds is a concerning trends. Parents play a key role toin teaching children alternatifve ways to deal with bully, like tellies, such as telling an adult, instead of hitting back. If all parents do this, playgrounds can be safe and happy for children again.
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Expert Feedback

The essay effectively addresses the topic of violence in playgrounds and the role of parents in mitigating this issue. Key strengths include a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, as well as a relevant topic focus. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, vocabulary range, and the depth of arguments presented. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving transitions between ideas, and ensuring proper pluralization. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating specific examples or statistics to support claims and enhancing the variety of vocabulary used. The tone of the essay is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal and serious approach to the subject matter.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is somewhat disjointed, and there are instances of awkward phrasing that disrupt coherence. For example, the transition between points could be smoother. Using more cohesive devices, such as 'furthermore' or 'in addition,' would enhance the logical progression of ideas.
5.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('parent have' should be 'parents have'), incorrect pluralization ('child' should be 'children'), and awkward sentence structures. While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures.
4.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of repetition and incorrect word forms, such as 'parent' instead of 'parents' and 'child' instead of 'children.' Additionally, phrases like 'big problem' and 'bad for child development' could be expressed more formally. To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and ensure correct word forms.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the topic of violence in playgrounds and the role of parents in teaching children not to retaliate against bullies. However, it lacks depth in some arguments and could benefit from more specific examples or evidence to support the claims made. For improvement, the writer could include statistics or studies on the effects of violence on child development.
5.5

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