What is your biggest dream?
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay demonstrates a clear aspiration to become a doctor, which is a strong point. The introduction effectively states the dream, and the conclusion summarizes the writer's commitment to achieving it. However, there are critical areas for improvement, particularly in grammar, spelling, and coherence. The original essay contained numerous grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that hindered clarity. In the corrected version, I focused on correcting these errors, improving sentence structure, and enhancing the overall flow of ideas. I also added a brief overview paragraph to summarize the main points, which was missing in the original. For further improvements, the writer could elaborate on specific subjects they plan to study or experiences they hope to gain, as well as incorporate more varied vocabulary and cohesive devices to enhance coherence. The tone used is appropriate for the context, conveying determination and aspiration effectively.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay has a basic structure with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is hindered by awkward phrasing and grammatical errors. The use of cohesive devices is minimal, which affects the overall coherence. To enhance this aspect, the writer could use linking words and phrases more effectively to connect ideas, such as 'firstly,' 'in addition,' and 'finally.'
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The writing contains numerous grammatical errors, including incorrect verb forms (e.g., 'i am needing,' 'can being'), subject-verb agreement issues, and awkward sentence structures. These errors significantly impact the clarity of the message. To improve, the writer should focus on mastering basic grammatical structures and ensuring subject-verb agreement, as well as proofreading for common mistakes.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate for the topic, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'biggestest,' 'famouse,' 'sucessful') and repetitive phrases (e.g., 'helping people,' 'my dreem'). To improve, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary and ensuring correct spelling. Incorporating synonyms and more sophisticated terms would enhance the lexical resource score.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The response addresses the prompt by clearly stating the dream of becoming a doctor and providing reasons for this aspiration. However, the development of ideas is somewhat limited, and there are several grammatical errors that detract from clarity. To improve, the writer could elaborate on specific steps they plan to take to achieve this dream, such as mentioning particular subjects they will study or experiences they hope to gain.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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