While many people go to university for academic study, more people should be encouraged to do vocational training because there is a lack of qualified workers such as electricians and plumbers. Do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
5.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

I am agreeing that a most people should be encourage for dod to pursue vocational training like, such as plumbering and electricianal work, to fullfil the lacks of thisese workers in society. There are a few reasons for i am think this that imy belief, which I will describe in this essay. F The first reason is that there is really more lacks for this job in thea significant shortage of workers in these fields worldwide. Everywhere i amI go, when people need a plumber or electrician, they areoften have to wait a long time because not enudue to the insufficient number of workers. This causes many problem for manys in people's life because sometimeves, especially isn emergencyies like a burst water pipe burst oror an electrical short circuit. If more peoplindividuals were trained for thisese jobs, then waiting time iss would be reduced, and people get help fast. Other reason is this job also make very good moneywould receive help more quickly. Another reason is that these jobs can provide a substantial income. Many student ares study inat univercsity for manyseveral years, but wheupon graduateion, they cannotoften struggle to find jobs or jobend up with low sallary only. But-paying positions. In contrast, vocational jobs like plumbering and electrician they are always has work because always gotal work consistently have high demand, and they are earn very high per hour sworkers can earn a competitive hourly wage. Additionallary, even can openthey have the opportunity to start their own busisnesses and earn even more money. SoTherefore, for students who aredo not likewish to study so much inextensively at univercsity, this ispresents a very good opuportunity for make good money and hasto seccure work. a well-paying job. In conclusion, iI strongly agree that more people toshould be encouraged to dopursue vocational training for jobs like plumbering and electricion, toal work. This would not only help reduce the lackshortage of worker ands but also for help student to getassist students in obtaining seccure and high-paying jobs. This is better sometimesSometimes, this path is more beneficial thean study soing for many year ins at univercsity but cannotonly to struggle to find good workemployment.
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Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument in favour of vocational training. Key strengths include a clear stance on the issue and the identification of relevant reasons supporting the argument. However, critical areas for improvement include enhancing the structure of the argument with more specific examples and statistics, improving coherence through better transitions, and correcting grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Structural changes made include refining the introduction for clarity, improving the flow between paragraphs with appropriate transition phrases, and ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. Further improvements could involve incorporating specific statistics about job demand and salary comparisons to strengthen the argument, as well as expanding the vocabulary used to avoid repetition and enhance precision. The tone of the essay is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal and persuasive style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is somewhat disjointed, and transitions between points could be improved. Using cohesive devices more effectively, such as 'firstly', 'in addition', and 'finally', would enhance the clarity of the argument. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea would improve coherence.
5.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('a most people should be encourage'), incorrect verb forms ('to fullfil lacks'), and awkward sentence structures. While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on using correct verb forms and ensuring subject-verb agreement. Practicing complex sentence structures could also enhance grammatical range.
4.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of repetition and awkward phrasing, such as 'very good money' and 'high pay job'. The writer could benefit from using a wider range of vocabulary and more precise terms. For example, instead of 'very good money', phrases like 'substantial income' or 'competitive salary' could be used. Additionally, correcting spelling errors like 'univercity' to 'university' would enhance the overall quality.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by expressing agreement with the idea that more people should pursue vocational training. However, it lacks a clear and well-structured argument, and some points are underdeveloped. For improvement, the writer should provide more specific examples and elaborate on the reasons given. For instance, discussing specific statistics about job demand or salary comparisons could strengthen the argument.
5.0

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