Why do you want to travel?
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the reasons for wanting to travel, which is a key strength. The structure is generally appropriate, with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, there are critical areas for improvement, particularly in grammatical accuracy and vocabulary range. The original text contained numerous grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, which have been addressed in the corrected version. The use of linking words and phrases has been improved to enhance coherence. Suggestions for further improvement include providing specific examples of experiences while travelling and varying sentence structures to enhance the overall quality of writing. The tone used is appropriate for the task, maintaining a personal and reflective style.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is occasionally disrupted by awkward phrasing and grammatical errors. The use of cohesive devices is limited, which affects the overall clarity. To enhance coherence, the writer could use more linking words and phrases to connect ideas more smoothly.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The writing contains numerous grammatical errors, including incorrect verb forms, subject-verb agreement issues, and awkward sentence structures. For example, 'I wanting to travel' should be 'I want to travel', and 'This can be help me' should be 'This can help me'. To improve, the writer should focus on using correct grammatical structures and varying sentence types.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of repetition (e.g., 'new', 'travel', 'people'). Additionally, some word forms are incorrect (e.g., 'wanting' instead of 'want', 'beingin' instead of 'bring in'). To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and ensure correct word forms.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The response addresses the prompt by explaining reasons for wanting to travel, such as gaining new experiences and meeting people from different cultures. However, the ideas are somewhat repetitive and lack depth in development. To improve, the writer could provide more specific examples or elaborate on how these experiences impact them personally.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
Related Writing Samples
You eat at your college cafeteria every lunch time. However, you think it needs some improvements. Write a letter to the college magazine. In your letter, explain what you like about the cafeteria say what is wrong with it suggest how it could be improved
The graph below shows average carbon dioxide (CO2) emissions per person in the United Kingdom, Sweden, Italy and Portugal between 1967 and 2007. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The graph below gives information about the percentage of the population in four Asian countries living in cities from 1970 to 2020, with predictions for 2030 and 2040. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The pie charts show the destination of export goods in three countries in 2010.
The chart below shows the expenditure of two countries on consumer goods in 2010.
"Violence in playgrounds is increasing. However, it is important that parents should teach children not to hit back at bullies."