Write a personal statement to submit with your applications to university programs in social work. Describe your background, life experiences, goals and motivations for applying to study social work.

Part 2
6.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

'I am applying to social work programs at universityies because iI want to study to help people and make a difference in my community. Since iI was a young child, iI have always been a caring person and wanted to assistance others. When iI was a teenager, I volunteered at a local homeless shelter in my city, where iI saw firsthand the challenges some people are facing in their lives. At the shelter, I met many peopleindividuals who had experienced poverty, addiction, and others difficult situations. I listened to theire stories and tryied my best to offer them support and kindness. This experience had a big impact on me and made me realise that iI wanted to pursued a career in the helping professions. IFurthermore, in addition to my volunteer work, I have also had academic achievements that I believe will help me succeed in a social work program. I have always been a diligent student and have consistently earned high marks in my classes, especially in subjects like psychologys and sociology. I am confident iI have the skills and knowledge needed to excel in a rigorous academic program. BMoreover, beyond my experiences and academic abilities, iI also have a strong desire to make a positive impact in the world. I believe that social work is a field where I can truly make a difference ineffect positive change in the lives of individuals and communities. I want to use my education and training to advocate for marginalized and underserved populations, and to work towards creating a more just and equitable society. In conclusion, iI am highly motivationed and committed to pursuing a career in social work. With my background, experiences, and desire to help others, iI believe iI will be a strong asset to any social work program. I am excited about the opportunity to further develop my knowledge and skills in this field, and to begins my journey towards a fulfilling career in social work.'
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Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the applicant's motivations and experiences related to social work, which is a key strength. The structure is generally logical, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, there are critical areas for improvement, particularly in grammatical accuracy and vocabulary usage. The essay contained several grammatical errors and instances of repetition, which detracted from the overall quality. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving transitions between paragraphs, and enhancing the clarity of ideas. For instance, the addition of 'Furthermore' and 'Moreover' helps to link ideas more effectively. Further improvements that could be implemented include providing more specific examples of how the volunteer experience shaped particular skills or insights, as well as using a wider range of vocabulary to avoid repetition. The tone of the essay is appropriate for an application, conveying enthusiasm and commitment to the field of social work.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay generally flows well, with a logical progression of ideas. However, some transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be improved for better clarity. For example, using cohesive devices like 'Furthermore' or 'Moreover' could help link ideas more effectively. The overall organization could be enhanced by clearly separating different sections of the statement.
6.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as incorrect verb forms ('i want study' should be 'I want to study') and issues with subject-verb agreement ('some people facing' should be 'some people are facing'). While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. Improving grammatical accuracy and using a wider range of sentence structures would enhance the writing.
5.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is appropriate for the context, but there are instances of repetition and some inaccuracies, such as 'universitys' instead of 'universities' and 'psychologys' instead of 'psychology'. More varied and sophisticated vocabulary could elevate the writing. For example, instead of 'make a difference', phrases like 'effect positive change' could be used.
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the applicant's background, experiences, and motivations for studying social work. However, it could benefit from more specific examples and a clearer structure. For instance, elaborating on how the volunteer experience shaped specific skills or insights would strengthen the argument. Additionally, a more formal tone would enhance the overall effectiveness.
7.0

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