Write a short story for a college magazine about a lucky escape you had. Describe the situation and how the characters feel about the events.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay effectively recounts a personal experience of a lucky escape on the writer's birthday, showcasing a clear narrative and emotional responses from the characters involved. Key strengths include a coherent structure and a relatable theme. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, particularly with verb tenses and the use of capitalisation. The vocabulary could be more varied to avoid repetition and enhance the storytelling aspect. Structural changes made include correcting verb tenses and ensuring proper paragraph separation, which improves coherence. Further improvements could involve adding more vivid descriptions and emotional insights to deepen the narrative. The tone is appropriate for a personal recount, maintaining a reflective and appreciative voice throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay is generally coherent, with a logical progression of events. However, some transitions between sentences and ideas could be smoother. For example, the shift from the incident to the aftermath could be better connected to enhance the flow of the narrative.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as 'i' instead of 'I,' and issues with verb tenses, like 'continue' instead of 'continued.' While the overall meaning is clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. A wider range of sentence structures could also improve the writing.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is appropriate for the context, but there are instances of repetition, such as 'shaken' and 'escape.' The use of more varied and sophisticated vocabulary could elevate the writing. Additionally, some phrases could be more idiomatic, such as 'a very close call' instead of 'very close call.'
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The essay addresses the prompt by recounting a personal experience of a lucky escape on the writer's birthday. It presents a clear narrative and describes the feelings of the characters involved. However, it could benefit from more vivid descriptions and deeper emotional insights to enhance the storytelling aspect.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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