Write about the following topic: Some people believe that children are more emotionality now than in the past. Discuss the causes of this and suggest what parents and schools can do to develop emotional skills in children. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

Part 1 (General)
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

Nowadays, a lot of people thinks that childrens are becoming emotionally more mature compared to the passt. This essay will discuses the problems cozaused by this and suggest how partents and schools can help growingdevelop emotional skills for children. Firstly, one the reason why childrens are more emotionaly now is becausethat they are facing so manyuch pressure from studyies and parents expecting too much. For example, many children hasve to attnend extra classes after schools, and thieir parents wanting them to always gets high grades. This leads to children are feeling stressed and anxious all the time. Moreover, with advanced technology nowadays, children are expossed to so muchmany things at a very young age through social media and the internets. They watching news and see bad things happensing in the world, which can affect theirm emotionally. To tackle this problem, iI think parents and teachers must working together forto helping the childsren. Parents should try to understand their children's feelings and not put too much pressure foron them to achieve high academiic results. Instead, they should iencourage children to pearticipate in different activities and hobbies, like sports or art, which can help them express emotions in a healthy way. Schoolteachers also have an important role to play. They should teaching students how to cope with emotions through lessons and activities. For instantce, they can organise group discussions or role plays to help students understand and manage their feelings better. In conclusion, there are several reasons why children seeming more emotionally these days. To address these issues, parents and schools must collaborate to develope emotional skills in young people. By providing support and guideance, we can helping children grow up to be mentally healthy adults in the future.
DeletedOriginal textAddedCorrected text

Expert Feedback

1. Key strengths of the essay include a clear understanding of the topic and a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The writer attempts to address both the causes of children's emotionality and potential solutions. 2. Critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, spelling, and coherence. The original essay contained numerous grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that disrupted the flow of ideas. Additionally, spelling mistakes detracted from the overall quality of the writing. 3. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving coherence by refining topic sentences, and ensuring proper spelling throughout the essay. The overall flow was enhanced by using clearer transitions between ideas. 4. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing more specific examples to support the arguments and elaborating on the suggestions made for parents and schools. The writer could also benefit from varying sentence structures to enhance readability. 5. The tone used in the essay is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal style while discussing the topic. However, ensuring grammatical accuracy and clarity would further enhance the professionalism of the writing.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is sometimes disrupted by awkward phrasing and grammatical errors. To improve coherence, the writer should use clearer topic sentences and linking phrases to connect ideas more effectively.
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('lot of people thinks', 'childrens are becoming'), incorrect verb forms, and awkward sentence structures. While the writer demonstrates some range, the frequent errors hinder clarity. To improve, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and vary sentence structures more effectively.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'childrens', 'emtionally', 'pass', 'partents', 'undestand', 'academiic', 'perticipate', 'instant', 'colaborate', 'develope', 'suport', 'guidence') that detract from the overall quality. The writer could enhance their lexical resource by using a wider range of vocabulary and ensuring correct spelling.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing the causes of children's emotionality and suggesting ways for parents and schools to help develop emotional skills. However, the response could be more focused and organized, with clearer examples and a more developed argument. For improvement, the writer could provide more specific examples and elaborate on the suggestions made.
6.0

Related Writing Samples

Part 1 (General)
5.5

Your ID card has been stolen. Write to the Local Police Station, giving details of: - who you are - what happened - ask what you should do to get a new ID card

Part 1 (General)
7.0

The graphs below show the cinema attendance in Australia and the average cinema visits by different age groups from 1996 to 2000. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons.

Part 1 (General)
7.0

A large company in your area has decided to spend a certain amount of money, either to sponsor a local children's sports team for two years or to pay for two open air concerts. It has asked for feedback from the general public. Write a letter to the company. In your letter: Describe the benefits of sponsoring the sports team. Summarise the benefits of paying for the concerts. Say how you think the company should spend the money.

Part 1 (General)
6.0

In recent years, many small local shops have closed because customers travel to large shopping centres or malls to do their shopping. Is this a positive or negative development?

Part 1 (General)
7.0

You and your teenage daughter visited the local library last weekend to find books for her school project. After searching for some time, you realized that the library did not have any books on the subject. This is not the first time that the library did not have something you need. Write a letter to the library manager: Describe what you were trying to find Explain why you needed the book and how you tried to find it Suggest what the library can do to help you find the information you need

Part 1 (General)
7.5

Last month you had a holiday overseas where you stayed with some friends. They have just sent you some photos of your holiday. Write a letter to your friends. In your letter: thank them for the photos and for the holiday explain why you didn't write earlier invite them to come and stay with you