Write about the following topic: There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work.

Part 1 (General)
5.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

These days, young people are feeiling a lots of pressure for doing goodto do well in school exams and studies. Because of this, some persons are thinkingindividuals believe that the school siyllabus must be taking out subjects that isshould remove not n-academic like thesubjects, such as sports and the cooking subjects. They are believing. They argue that childrens can focus more better on the studiesacademic subjects if non studies-academic subjects is removare eliminated. I amdo not agree with this ideas. Firstly, the doingparticipating in sports and exercise is very important for the health of the body. If schools do not teaching the sports, then many students may not learning the value of being fit and taking care of bodytheir bodies. Secondly, subjects like cooking is teaching very important life skills. Even students who focus on studieacademics in the future will be needing to cook for themselfves. Cooking is a basic skill that all peversyon is needing toe should know. Studying the academic subjects is, of course, important for all students. ButHowever, student is learning many things in school, not only for exams. Life skills subjects like sports and cooking isare equalally important for the growingth and learning experiaence of childrens. Taking out thisRemoving these subjects will makinge school not funless enjoyable, and student wills may loose interest. MIt is much better to keep thisese subjects and helping student tos manage their time for both study subjectacademic and life skills subject.s. In the conclusion, even students who wanting to focus on studieacademics in the future is needing basic life skills from school like, such as sports and cooking. Taking out thisRemoving these subjects will not being helpful for students and will make school boring. Schools must be teaching all types of subjects for the best learning experience of students.
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Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear argument against the removal of non-academic subjects from the school syllabus, which is a key strength. The structure is generally appropriate, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are critical areas for improvement, particularly in grammatical accuracy and the depth of argumentation. The revised version addresses grammatical errors, improves coherence with clearer transitions, and enhances vocabulary usage. The structural changes made include refining the introduction for clarity, improving topic sentences in body paragraphs, and ensuring a logical flow of ideas. Suggestions for further improvement include providing specific examples to support claims and varying sentence structures to enhance readability. The tone used is appropriate for an argumentative essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is sometimes unclear, and transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be improved. For instance, phrases like 'Firstly' and 'Secondly' are used, but the connections between ideas are not always logical. To enhance coherence, the writer should focus on clearer topic sentences and logical progression of ideas.
5.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('student is learning'), incorrect verb forms ('is needing'), and awkward phrasing ('the doing sports'). These errors affect the overall clarity of the writing. While there are some correct structures, the frequency of mistakes suggests a need for improvement. To enhance this area, the writer should focus on practicing grammatical accuracy and sentence variety.
4.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of incorrect word forms and repetitive phrases, such as 'subjects' and 'student.' The use of phrases like 'doing good in school exams' and 'the value of being fit' shows some range, but there are also awkward constructions like 'the doing sports.' To improve, the writer should aim for more varied vocabulary and correct usage of terms.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by arguing against the removal of non-academic subjects from the school syllabus. However, the argument lacks depth and development in some areas. For example, while the importance of physical education and cooking is mentioned, the points could be elaborated further with specific examples or evidence. To improve, the writer could provide more detailed reasoning and examples to support their claims.
5.5

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