You and your co-worker often have lunch in a nearby park. However, there have been too many birds in the park lately, especially the pigeons who want your food. The situation is spoiling your lunch break. Describe the importance of the park to you and your colleagues Explain how the birds have affected you Suggest what the newspaper's readers, or city officials and park managers, can do to improve the situation.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
Key strengths of the essay include a clear identification of the problem and the importance of the park, as well as a structured approach to suggesting solutions. The letter maintains a logical flow of ideas, which is essential for coherence. Critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, as several errors detract from the overall clarity. Additionally, the vocabulary could be more varied to avoid repetition and enhance the letter's professionalism. The tone could also be slightly more formal to align with the context of addressing city officials. Structural changes made include refining the introduction for clarity, improving transitions between paragraphs, and correcting grammatical errors. The overall flow was maintained while enhancing coherence and cohesion. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include using a wider range of vocabulary and more precise expressions, as well as incorporating more cohesive devices to link ideas more fluidly. The tone used is generally appropriate for a formal letter, but slight adjustments to increase formality would enhance its effectiveness.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The letter is generally coherent, with a logical flow of ideas. However, some sentences could be better linked for smoother transitions. For example, the transition between the description of the park's importance and the issue with the birds could be more fluid. Using cohesive devices more effectively would enhance the overall clarity.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
There are several grammatical errors, such as 'is happen' instead of 'is happening,' 'importance' instead of 'important,' and 'this situations' instead of 'this situation.' These errors affect clarity and accuracy. While the writer demonstrates some range in sentence structures, the frequent mistakes hinder the overall effectiveness. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is appropriate but somewhat limited and repetitive, particularly with words like 'birds' and 'park.' There are some awkward phrases, such as 'bring your concern about to a problem' and 'the current bird problems.' To improve, the writer could use a wider range of vocabulary and more precise expressions, such as 'avian population' instead of 'birds' or 'issues' instead of 'problems.'
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The letter addresses the task by describing the importance of the park, explaining how the birds have affected the lunch experience, and suggesting solutions. However, the introduction could be clearer, and the tone could be slightly more formal. For improvement, the writer could explicitly state the importance of the park in the opening sentence and ensure a more formal tone throughout.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
Related Writing Samples
Your ID card has been stolen. Write to the Local Police Station, giving details of: - who you are - what happened - ask what you should do to get a new ID card
The graphs below show the cinema attendance in Australia and the average cinema visits by different age groups from 1996 to 2000. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons.
A large company in your area has decided to spend a certain amount of money, either to sponsor a local children's sports team for two years or to pay for two open air concerts. It has asked for feedback from the general public. Write a letter to the company. In your letter: Describe the benefits of sponsoring the sports team. Summarise the benefits of paying for the concerts. Say how you think the company should spend the money.
In recent years, many small local shops have closed because customers travel to large shopping centres or malls to do their shopping. Is this a positive or negative development?
You and your teenage daughter visited the local library last weekend to find books for her school project. After searching for some time, you realized that the library did not have any books on the subject. This is not the first time that the library did not have something you need. Write a letter to the library manager: Describe what you were trying to find Explain why you needed the book and how you tried to find it Suggest what the library can do to help you find the information you need
Last month you had a holiday overseas where you stayed with some friends. They have just sent you some photos of your holiday. Write a letter to your friends. In your letter: thank them for the photos and for the holiday explain why you didn't write earlier invite them to come and stay with you