You are a student at a language school in New Zealand studying business English. Part of the course is a summer work placement program. Unfortunately, you have learnt from the school that this program has now been cancelled. Write a letter to the school Principal. In your letter: State your reason for writing Describe the problem and your concerns Explain what you would like the principal to do.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
1. Key strengths of the essay include a clear purpose for writing, a logical structure, and a polite tone throughout the letter. 2. Critical areas for improvement involve grammatical accuracy, particularly with verb forms and prepositions, as well as enhancing vocabulary variety to avoid repetition. Additionally, the letter could benefit from smoother transitions between ideas. 3. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving the flow of ideas, and enhancing clarity by using more precise vocabulary. The introduction and body paragraphs were maintained, but minor adjustments were made for coherence. 4. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing specific examples of how the cancellation affects students and suggesting more detailed alternative solutions. Additionally, varying sentence structures could enhance the overall quality of the writing. 5. The tone used is appropriate for a formal letter, maintaining respect and politeness while clearly expressing concern and a request for reconsideration.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The letter has a logical structure, but some sentences could be better linked for smoother flow. For example, the transition between expressing concern and the request could be more cohesive. Using more cohesive devices would enhance clarity.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
There are several grammatical errors, such as 'the reason of writing' (should be 'the reason for writing') and 'i choose' (should be 'I chose'). These errors detract from the overall quality, but the meaning is still clear. More complex sentence structures could also be employed.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are some repetitive phrases, such as 'program' and 'important.' More varied vocabulary could enhance the letter. Additionally, minor errors like 'concern' instead of 'concerned' affect the overall impression.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The letter addresses the task requirements by stating the reason for writing, describing the problem, and requesting action from the principal. However, it could be improved by providing more specific details about how the cancellation affects the students and perhaps suggesting alternative solutions more clearly.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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