You are applying for a scholarship to study at a university in an English-speaking country. Write a letter to the scholarship committee explaining why you are applying for this course of study. Include relevant details about your background and interest in the subject.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The letter demonstrates a clear interest in biology and outlines the applicant's background effectively. Key strengths include a structured approach with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. However, critical areas for improvement include enhancing the depth of the applicant's motivations for studying in an English-speaking country and providing specific examples of how the scholarship will impact their career. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving coherence with better transitions, and refining vocabulary for precision. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented include adding specific details about the university and its programs that attract the applicant. The tone used is appropriate for a formal application letter.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The letter has a basic structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, the flow of ideas could be improved with better transitions between sentences and paragraphs. For instance, linking the applicant's past experiences more clearly to their future aspirations would enhance coherence. Using cohesive devices more effectively would also help in creating a smoother reading experience.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The letter contains several grammatical errors, such as 'I want to apply for scholarship' (should be 'a scholarship') and 'I am apply to this course' (should be 'applying'). There are also issues with subject-verb agreement and article usage. While the meaning is generally clear, improving grammatical accuracy and using a wider range of sentence structures would enhance the overall quality of the writing.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of repetition and awkward phrasing, such as 'very interest' and 'very dedicated students.' The applicant could benefit from using a wider range of vocabulary and more precise terms. For example, instead of 'very good grades,' they could say 'excellent grades.'
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The letter addresses the task by explaining the applicant's interest in biology and their background. However, it lacks some depth and detail about why studying in an English-speaking country is important. To improve, the applicant could include specific examples of how the scholarship will impact their future career or mention particular aspects of the university that attract them.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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