You are going on a short training course at a college in Sydney, Australia. You need somewhere to live while you are there. Write a letter to the accommodation officer at the college. In your letter: - explain your situation - describe the accommodation you require - say when you will need it
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
Key strengths of the essay include a clear structure that addresses the task requirements, such as explaining the situation, describing the accommodation needed, and stating the dates for the stay. The letter maintains a logical flow of ideas, which is essential for coherence. Critical areas for improvement include correcting spelling errors and grammatical mistakes, as well as enhancing the formality of the tone. The use of cohesive devices could also be improved to create smoother transitions between ideas. Structural changes made include correcting the phrasing for clarity and formality, ensuring proper spelling, and enhancing the overall grammatical accuracy. The introduction was slightly rephrased for a more formal tone, and the body paragraphs were adjusted for better cohesion. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include varying sentence structures to enhance grammatical range and incorporating more formal language throughout the letter. Additionally, the writer could consider adding a brief closing statement to reinforce the request for accommodation. The tone used is generally appropriate for a formal letter, but it could be slightly more polished to match the context of a request to an accommodation officer.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The letter is generally coherent, with a logical flow of ideas. However, some sentences could be better linked for improved cohesion. For example, the transition between the need for accommodation and the specific requirements could be smoother. Using cohesive devices like 'Furthermore' or 'In addition' could enhance the flow.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The letter contains several grammatical errors, including incorrect verb forms ('writting' should be 'writing'), and issues with sentence structure. The use of 'that course happens' is awkward; a more natural phrasing would be 'the course runs'. There is a lack of variety in sentence structures, which affects the overall grammatical range.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is mostly appropriate, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'writting', 'furnishured', 'kitchenet', 'accomodation', 'assigments', 'fly') that detract from the overall quality. While the writer attempts to use specific terms related to accommodation, the frequent errors limit the effectiveness of the lexical resource.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The letter addresses the task requirements by explaining the situation, describing the accommodation needed, and stating the dates for the stay. However, there are some minor inconsistencies in the details, such as the phrasing of 'I will come in your college' which could be more formally stated as 'I will be attending your college'. Additionally, the tone could be slightly more formal to match the context of a letter to an accommodation officer.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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