You are planning to visit a new city for a short vacation and have found two possible places to stay. Write an email to the accommodation manager of each place asking about availability, facilities, and any special offers during your dates of stay.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
Key strengths of the essay include a clear intention to inquire about specific details related to the accommodation, which addresses the task requirements. The overall structure is logical, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, particularly with subject-verb agreement and prepositions. The tone could be more formal, and the vocabulary could be expanded to avoid repetition and awkward phrasing. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving sentence clarity, and enhancing the overall flow with better transitions. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include varying sentence structures and incorporating a wider range of vocabulary to express ideas more effectively. Additionally, the writer could consider adding a brief summary of their expectations for the stay in the overview. The tone used is generally appropriate for a formal inquiry, but it could be slightly more polished to enhance professionalism.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The email has a logical flow, but some sentences are awkwardly constructed, which affects clarity. For example, 'I am very interest on your establishment' should be 'I am very interested in your establishment.' Using more cohesive devices could enhance the overall coherence. Improving transitions between ideas would also help.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
There are several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement and incorrect prepositions. For instance, 'I have writing to you' should be 'I am writing to you.' While the message is understandable, the frequency of errors detracts from the overall quality. Focusing on sentence structure and proofreading could improve accuracy.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition and awkward phrasing, such as 'I am planing' instead of 'I am planning.' The use of terms like 'off-season' is good, but the writer could benefit from a wider range of vocabulary to express ideas more effectively.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The email addresses the task requirements by inquiring about availability, facilities, and special offers. However, it lacks a clear structure and some details could be more specific, such as the exact dates and the type of accommodation. To improve, the writer could ensure a more formal tone and clarify the request for information.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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