You have been asked to write a short description of yourself to be posted on a website. The description should be one paragraph long and include information about your background, personality, interests and future goals.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay presents a clear and engaging description of the writer's background, personality, interests, and future aspirations, which aligns well with the task requirements. Key strengths include a friendly tone and a logical flow of ideas. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, particularly with verb forms and pluralization, as well as the use of cohesive devices to enhance transitions between sentences. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors and improving the clarity of expressions, such as changing 'I born' to 'I was born' and 'to many country' to 'to many countries'. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include varying sentence structures more and incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary to avoid repetition. The tone used is appropriate for the task, maintaining a personal and conversational style.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The paragraph is generally coherent, with a logical flow of ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices could be improved. For instance, transitions between sentences could be smoother. The writer could use phrases like 'In addition' or 'Furthermore' to enhance the connection between ideas.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The writing contains several grammatical errors, such as 'I born', '24 year old', and 'to many country'. These errors affect the overall clarity of the writing. While the writer demonstrates some range in sentence structure, improving grammatical accuracy is essential for a higher score.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is appropriate for the context, with some variety in word choice, such as 'friendly', 'outgoing', and 'delicious'. However, there are repetitive phrases like 'many country' and 'many kind of food'. To enhance the score, the writer could incorporate more sophisticated vocabulary and avoid repetition.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The writing provides a clear description of the writer's background, personality, interests, and future goals, which aligns well with the task requirements. However, there are minor inconsistencies, such as 'I born' instead of 'I was born' and 'I like to meeting' instead of 'I like meeting'. To improve, the writer should ensure grammatical accuracy and clarity in expression.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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