"You received an email from your friend, Haikal who needs your advice on whether he should get a part-time job or not. Hi, I'm planning to work part-time now that SPM is over. What would you suggest? I really need to make some money! Where should I work? Is working part-time the best decision for me at the moment? Why do you think so? Please help me to decide! I'll be waiting for your reply. Bye! Haikal Now write an email to your friend in about 80 words. Write your answer below."
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The revised email demonstrates several key strengths, including a clearer structure and improved grammatical accuracy. The introduction now effectively paraphrases the question, and the body paragraphs provide more depth regarding the benefits and considerations of part-time work. However, there are still critical areas for improvement. The email could further elaborate on the potential drawbacks of part-time work, such as time management challenges. Additionally, while the vocabulary has been slightly varied, there is still room for expanding lexical resource to avoid repetition. Structural changes made include the addition of a clearer overview paragraph that summarizes the main points about the benefits of part-time work and the importance of balancing it with studies. Transition phrases were also added to enhance coherence. For further improvements, the writer could incorporate more varied sentence structures and a wider range of vocabulary to enhance the overall quality of the writing. Additionally, including specific examples of skills gained from part-time work could strengthen the argument. The tone used is appropriate for a friendly email, maintaining a supportive and encouraging voice throughout the message.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The email is generally coherent, with a logical flow of ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices is limited, and some sentences could be better connected. For example, using phrases like 'In addition' or 'Moreover' could enhance the flow. Improving the linking of ideas would strengthen the overall coherence.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The email contains several grammatical errors, such as 'is good idea' (should be 'is a good idea') and 'dont work too many hours' (should be 'don't work too many hours'). These errors affect clarity and accuracy. To improve, the writer should focus on sentence structure and punctuation, ensuring correct usage throughout.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is appropriate for the context, but there are instances of repetition (e.g., 'part-time job' and 'work'). The phrase 'can earn money and experience' could be rephrased for variety, such as 'you can gain both income and valuable experience.' Expanding the range of vocabulary would enhance the score.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The response addresses the main points of Haikal's email, providing advice on working part-time and suggesting types of jobs. However, it lacks depth in reasoning and does not fully explore the implications of working part-time, such as balancing work and studies. To improve, the writer could elaborate on the benefits and potential drawbacks of part-time work.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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