You recently applied for admission to a university but have not received a response. Write an email to the university. In your email, you should: Introduce yourself and explain why you are writing Provide details of your application, including the date it was submitted Enquire as to when you can expect to hear back regarding your application Write at least 150 words.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The email demonstrates several strengths, including a clear introduction, a logical progression of ideas, and a formal tone appropriate for the context. The writer effectively communicates the purpose of the email and provides relevant details about the application. However, there are critical areas for improvement, such as specifying the program applied for to enhance clarity and varying vocabulary to avoid repetition. Structural changes made include adding the specific program to the introduction and improving the transition between the second and third paragraphs for better flow. Further improvements could include using synonyms for repeated words and incorporating more complex sentence structures. Overall, the tone is appropriate and maintains professionalism throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The email is well-organized, with a clear progression of ideas. Each paragraph logically follows the previous one, and cohesive devices such as 'also' and 'but' are used effectively. However, the transition between the second and third paragraphs could be slightly smoother to enhance flow.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The grammatical structures used are generally accurate, with only minor errors such as 'look forward for your reply' which should be 'look forward to your reply.' The writer demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, but a few more complex sentences could elevate the score.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is appropriate and conveys the message clearly. Phrases like 'esteemed university' and 'time-consuming' demonstrate a good range. However, there is some repetition of words such as 'application' and 'response.' Using synonyms or varying expressions could enhance the lexical resource.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The email effectively addresses the task by introducing the writer, explaining the purpose of the email, providing details about the application, and inquiring about the response timeline. It maintains a formal tone appropriate for the context. To improve further, the writer could specify the program applied for, which would add clarity.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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