You should spend about 20 minutes on this task. The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

Part 1 (Academic)
6.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

The bar graph is shows data about Australian peoples who doengage in regularly physical activity in the year 2010. The data is divided by gender and age group. From the data, we can see some clear trends and differences between men and women. For the youngest age group, 18-24 years old, around 52.8% of men doengage in regular physical activity, compared to only about 47.7% of women. This is bigndicates a significant gap between genders. The gap between men and women continues in the next age groups, 25-34 and 35-44, though it becomes smaller. For the 35-44 year oldage group, 39.5% of men and 36.3% of women are regularly active. Interestingly, in the 45-54 age bracket, the trend is reversed. Women have a slightly higher rate of physical activity than men, at 44.1% vscompared to 43.3%. This pattern is also seen in the 55-64 year oldage group, where 53.6% of women and 49.6% of men exercise regularly. For the oldest Australian people, the men again are more active. 47.7% of men over 65 doengage in physical activity regularly, while only 41.5% of women in the same age group do. Overall, the data show that regular physical activity varyies quite a bit by age and gender in Australia in 2010. Younger men tend to be more active than women, but this reverses in middle age groups before switching back for the oldest peopleindividuals.
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Expert Feedback

The essay effectively summarizes the main features of the bar graph and makes relevant comparisons between genders and age groups, which is a key strength. However, it lacks a clear introduction and conclusion, which are critical for enhancing the overall structure. The use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances of awkward phrasing and grammatical errors that detract from the clarity of the writing. The vocabulary is generally appropriate but could benefit from more variety and precision. Key strengths of the essay include the identification of trends and the logical progression of ideas. Critical areas for improvement involve enhancing grammatical accuracy, expanding vocabulary, and improving coherence through better linking phrases. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving phrasing, and adding a clear introduction and overview. Further improvements could include a more detailed overview paragraph summarizing the overall trends before discussing specific comparisons. Additionally, the writer could work on varying sentence structures to enhance the grammatical range. The tone used is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining formality throughout the writing.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The writing demonstrates a logical progression of ideas, but the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited. Phrases like 'this is big gap' and 'the trend is reverse' could be improved for clarity and formality. To enhance coherence, the writer could use more linking words and phrases to connect ideas more smoothly.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The response contains several grammatical errors, such as 'is show' instead of 'shows' and 'compare to' instead of 'compared to.' There are also issues with sentence structure and punctuation. While the meaning is generally clear, improving grammatical accuracy and using a wider range of sentence structures would enhance the overall quality of the writing.
5.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition and awkward phrasing, such as 'do regularly physical activity' and 'the oldest Australia people.' The writer could benefit from using a wider range of vocabulary and more precise expressions. For example, 'engage in regular physical activity' would be a more formal and accurate choice.
6.0
Task Achievement
The response addresses the task by summarizing the main features of the bar chart and making relevant comparisons between genders and age groups. However, it lacks a clear introduction and conclusion, which would enhance the overall structure. To improve, the writer could include a brief overview of the overall trends before delving into specific comparisons.
6.5

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