You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: What is marriage? Why do people get married? Discuss both the potential benefits and drawbacks of marriage. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay effectively addresses the topic of marriage, discussing both its benefits and drawbacks with relevant examples. Key strengths include a clear position maintained throughout and a logical flow of ideas. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, as several errors were present, and the need for smoother transitions between ideas. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, enhancing transitions, and refining the introduction and conclusion for clarity and engagement. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating personal anecdotes or examples to enrich the discussion and varying vocabulary to reduce repetition. The tone used is appropriate for the topic, maintaining a formal and informative style.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay is generally well-organized, with a logical flow of ideas. However, some transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing benefits to drawbacks could be more clearly signposted. Using more cohesive devices, such as 'on the other hand' or 'furthermore,' would enhance the overall coherence.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, but there are several grammatical errors, such as 'one of main benefit' (should be 'one of the main benefits') and 'marriage require' (should be 'marriage requires'). These errors affect the overall clarity. To improve, the writer should proofread for grammatical accuracy and ensure subject-verb agreement.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is appropriate for the topic, with some good expressions like 'stable family' and 'legal protections.' However, there are instances of repetition, such as the word 'marriage' appearing frequently. To improve, the writer could use synonyms or varied phrases to avoid redundancy, such as 'the institution of marriage' or 'the marital bond.'
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The essay addresses the topic of marriage, discussing both its benefits and drawbacks effectively. It provides relevant examples and maintains a clear position throughout. However, the introduction could be more engaging, and the conclusion could summarize the key points more succinctly. To improve, the writer could include more personal examples or anecdotes to enhance the discussion.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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